Woe is me, the captain of no ship

“Woe is me. In my return, absent of you, my hands all but exclaim danger upon your cold, water-stained frame. Am I so bad as to say I wish your disablement without my control? Me, your once great captain?
I left you so long ago, yet you haunt me in my waking hours to torture my own. My hands resemble the shape of a gun pointed at my head. If only when pulled there was a projectile ejected to my skull, but instead the sigh of ‘bang’ exits my mouth. Woe is me who stands to break. I now clammer at your thought. The thought of your wooden exterior breaking in my hands, torn to pieces like soft sand in my palm, yet when I STRIKE, my hand is splintered back at my chest. WOE is me who stands to break.
Woe is me, the captain of no ship.”

k

We have to use proper grammar now dammit

never

Proper grammar needs to be abolished.

We need you.

You will be abolished sooner than grammar.