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k lol

Phoenix, don’t be a jerk.

I didn’t have time to read the story, but I like the format, Nathan.

how am I being a jerk?

Hi there, somewhat a review and somewhat explaining what to fix.


  • Maybe explain the relation with Nathan and Jessica, for me they are kind of thrown in.
  • Maybe explain the difficulties of defeating mushrooms or more or so future enemies?
  • Add more details to the world you’re building?

These are merely suggestions of course unless you plan to do this later in the story to add intensity or so that is fine. Do with suggestions as you please. Plot isn’t as confusing as my story so I guess that’s nice.

I love the way you format things. :heart_eyes:

Thanks :+1:

I will DEFINITELY take these things into perspective. Like I said, gonna rework the story, so thank you for this! <3

I kinda have a problem with how to fit Nathan and Jessica in, though… Mind dropping some tips?

  1. Give background information through descriptions.

  2. Explain back-stories.

  3. Explain their relevance to plot through unrevealing methods

Alrighty then! Welp. Back to the drawing board I go.

I mean… The relation of Nathan and Jessica is similar to Malcheonne and Isa. Keep in mind, this is going off of Nathan’s perspective. Not Malcheonnes, because Malcheone, when you think about it, is actually Nathan, but on Roblox. That’s kinda why it’s har to not make them thrown in, because really. Character development for Malcheonne is character development for Nathan too, as they are the same person.

nathan is a member of POTM and is foreign from what I understand

apologies for necroposting

Unacceptable, I shall complain to my superiors.

1 Like

heck.